Thugs in the Garden — A Few Least Favorite Weeds

Many people garden. I just weed. Sure, I install a few pretty plants from time to time and some actually survive. Others don’t. And it’s no wonder because more often than not, I promptly forget their names. A child whose parent doesn’t even remember his or her name will have a hard time thriving.

I also water — sometimes. But I mostly weed.

Starting about 15 years ago, when we moved house, and as a neophyte gardener, I let a lot of the vegetation around our house go. I knew about poison ivy and a few other things, but if a plant had some attribute that I thought was attractive — a nice berry, a pretty flower — I left it alone. And then I learned. They all must have been out there cheering. “Hoo, Boy! An ignoramus! What luck!” And they proceeded to party. Well, not party exactly. Some leapt into the trees; some tunneled underground. Others just had sex. With great frequency. Summer after summer.

What follows is a sampling of what I now know about a few of my least favorite weeds.

Fiveleaf Akebia
A 19th-century import from Asia that has become an invasive. With no natural enemies, it grows vociferously — 20 to 40 feet in a season, crowding out other plants and twining around shrubs and trees, strangling them. A vine that can grow for long distances underground, it wreaks havoc in many thickets and woodlands the Northeastern United States. I’ve seen it grown intentionally on an arbor as an ornamental. Beware if it escapes!

Japanese Knot Weed
Another Asian immigrant that has taken over, it grows in colonies with rhizomes that can run as far as 23 feet horizontally and 9 feet deep. Virtually impossible to get rid of without large doses of toxic chemicals. I keep pulling (really breaking off the stems from the rhizomes) in hopes that they might give up. They don’t. They just redouble their efforts, growing more stems from the broken root. It's used to make resveratrol but there's no chance of my turning it into a cash crop.

Mile-A-Minute Weed
Literally. It grows overnight. It's a very nasty customer with barbs all over its leaves as well as its stems, enabling it to attach itself to anything in reach. Unlike true vines, that have twining tendrils, Mile-A-Minute just smothers. It killed a Butterfly Bush when I wasn’t paying attention. It has beautiful dark blue berries. Don’t let them drop. They can survive in the soil for up to 7 years.

Goutweed, also Bishop’s Weed and Snow on the Mountain
At first I thought this was Queen Anne’s Lace because the flower, a lacy white, looks similar — at least it did to me. Turns out it’s a thug, crowding out everything around it and inhibiting natural diversity. It spreads underground by rhizomes. Fortunately, our resident groundhog likes it, but not enough. It’s taken me many hours over many summers to get it to a point where the groundhog, with a little help from me, can keep it somewhat in check.

Dockweed
Another thug that crowds out other plants. It likes moist areas but grows just fine at the top of my hill as well as at the bottom. Dock comes in several kinds, including curly and flat-leaved. It may have some qualities that make it good for cattle and I've heard that in Britain it's used as an antidote to insect bites. I don’t have any cattle and there’s no sign that the deer like it. They prefer plants for which I've laid out good money.

Pokeweed
A native, mostly poisonous to mammals unless cooked just right. Berries are not poisonous to birds. Grows up to 10 feet high and has clusters of dark blue berries that were used by Native Americans to make dye. Sometimes grown as an ornamental — they are quite striking. If you consider it a weed, pull it early. Once it gets tall and its tap root is established, it will break off when pulled.

Mystery Weed

This, I'm told is a weed, although I've learned to be cautious of other people's prejudices. Sometimes what someone else considers a weed, I'm willing to tolerate because I find it pretty or useful. (See definitions of weeds.) Of course, I've run into trouble that way. One or two is enough. The proliferation typical of weeds is too many. Anyone know what it is?

Go to the National Park Service website on aliens for more information on these and many other weeds,